"Honey, I shrunk the checkbook"

My first-grader came home with a skip in his step on the first day of the school's fundraiser. "I get to have lunch with the Principal if I sell 15 things." How adorable, I thought! I wondered at what age lunching with the Principal was seen as un-cool or punitive, and celebrated his eager little spirit.

"I have to sell stuff, Mom!" Dutifully, I sent out the mass spam that asked family and close friends to purchase chocolates or gift wrap for my beloved's goal. I felt a weird stitch...do I really want to encourage my 6-year-old down the capitalist lane already? Do I want to burden him with real-world concerns of sales and point counting? Can I hit "send" and still have my friends look at me with the same cyber eye again? Ahh well, I thought...afterall, it is lunch with the big man on campus that he's after. Send.

The night before the sale ended, I felt content that he had earned enough sales for the coveted lunch. Then the late-night call came in from Grandma. Wait a minute, 15 sales? The whole school would be having lunch with Mr. P we both realized at once! He must have heard it wrong...it must have been fifty sales.

Late night email attempts to the fundraising chief and PTA Prez yielded no results. Well, is it 15 or 50? I couldn't risk it...this was like watching empty stockings hang on the mantle on December 24th, hoping the mail carrier might fill them. There was only one thing to do in this situation. So back to EZ Order I went.

One fell swoop in Momdom, I went from peering at the catalog with a free-enterprise-sneer to looking for a-n-y-thing I could possibly order to rack up the prize credits. With a little luck, I just might be one of those "Mercedes Smart Car Instant Winners." Lunch for him, a new car for me. That'll work.

One day I had been rolling my eyes at the slick catalog filled with Tar-jay-esque

gift bags and boxes of truffles. Now I sat scrolling the on-line version of the same, debating over over silver embossed or the silver flat wrapping paper. I found myself subscribing to magazines I knew I'd never read, and getting my 3 year-old who can't read some of his own. Bring on the peanut brittle and cashews...almond cluster gift boxes and teacher notepads. Chocolate Stars of David? Multi-cultural treat, I'll take two. Good Lord, yes, even the garden flag and crock pot cookbook. Too bad all crock pots nowadays have lead in them, better order the 50 Recycling Ideas spiral-bound primer to break even on my Eco-conscious on that one.

I bid adieu to EZ Order, and it bid me free shipping and an order confirmation. I tucked myself in with the sweet assurdeness of The Lunch secured. Or so I thought.

Monday morning newsflash. Turns out that The Lunch is given to only the top-seller at the entire school. Of that, I am sure, he is not. And so with gentle tone and perhaps a wrapped chocolate of my own in hand, I will explain Paul Harvey's "rest of the story" to L. when he comes home from school today.

Quite the disappointment. But at least we will have no lack of mediocre chocolate, gift tags, and tissue paper in da house.